he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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