Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
