is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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