he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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