he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
