did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
