i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
