May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
