sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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