if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Let's get the cat blown out
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
