There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
