but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
