I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
