Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
