I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
tell your sister to shave her snatch
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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