Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
