And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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