She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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