I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
