I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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