Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
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New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
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Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Pooping to opera.
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