Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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