Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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