I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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