I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
