She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
