apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm always down for nudity.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
