Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
