There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
