Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
