I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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