How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
