Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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