i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
