I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
