I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
