She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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