What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
