Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
