i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
