My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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