man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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