Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
