Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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