today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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