Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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