I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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