it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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