im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
pray to the hookup gods
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
