Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
