Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
