I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize