Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
