Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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