Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
